Building Meaningful Student Relationships
Karen A. McCay
18 January 2017
Introduction:
No skill is more important, regardless of the field, than relationship-building. Relationships are the building blocks of our families, our social groups, our organizations, and our societies. Without solid relationship skills, we cannot be successful. And one skill, which is often underrepresented in every resource on what GREAT teachers all have in common, is relationship talent. Really talented relationship-building teachers do three things to develop strong bonds with their students quickly: they set professional boundaries, they listen to students’ dreams, and they help students differentiate academic goals based on their passions.
Professional Boundaries
A professional boundary, by definition, is not personal, and therefore, it doesn’t allow personal feelings to travel toward us when we set it. Our feelings should not get hurt, in other words, and we should not have needs, which we want to have met by the person on the other side of the boundary. I don’t state all of this information to students, but I do tell them, “I will love you this year because I love all kids, but I will never be your friend. That’s not professional. I’m your teacher, not your friend. Be respectful to me, and I will always be professional to you. If you have a bad day, I will still be the adult here. I am the professional.”
This short speech at the beginning of the year while I pass out the syllabus will be reinforced with moments of professionalism when I don’t get angry or offended by misbehavior. It will also be reinforced when I firmly demand that students meet my behavior expectations. It will be reinforced when I remind them that we won’t be friends on Facebook. It will be reinforced when I hand them a tissue for their tears and ask them what resources the school counselor can provide because we all care--and I choose the word care with intent, even if I want to say, “We love you so much” because that is the role of a parent or guardian, not a teacher.
Furthermore, I will not change my rules and expectations. Trace M. Lewis-Giggetts explains the concept of being a firm-demander and an empathetic person in a world full of troubling stories:
Karen A. McCay
18 January 2017
Introduction:
No skill is more important, regardless of the field, than relationship-building. Relationships are the building blocks of our families, our social groups, our organizations, and our societies. Without solid relationship skills, we cannot be successful. And one skill, which is often underrepresented in every resource on what GREAT teachers all have in common, is relationship talent. Really talented relationship-building teachers do three things to develop strong bonds with their students quickly: they set professional boundaries, they listen to students’ dreams, and they help students differentiate academic goals based on their passions.
Professional Boundaries
A professional boundary, by definition, is not personal, and therefore, it doesn’t allow personal feelings to travel toward us when we set it. Our feelings should not get hurt, in other words, and we should not have needs, which we want to have met by the person on the other side of the boundary. I don’t state all of this information to students, but I do tell them, “I will love you this year because I love all kids, but I will never be your friend. That’s not professional. I’m your teacher, not your friend. Be respectful to me, and I will always be professional to you. If you have a bad day, I will still be the adult here. I am the professional.”
This short speech at the beginning of the year while I pass out the syllabus will be reinforced with moments of professionalism when I don’t get angry or offended by misbehavior. It will also be reinforced when I firmly demand that students meet my behavior expectations. It will be reinforced when I remind them that we won’t be friends on Facebook. It will be reinforced when I hand them a tissue for their tears and ask them what resources the school counselor can provide because we all care--and I choose the word care with intent, even if I want to say, “We love you so much” because that is the role of a parent or guardian, not a teacher.
Furthermore, I will not change my rules and expectations. Trace M. Lewis-Giggetts explains the concept of being a firm-demander and an empathetic person in a world full of troubling stories:
"No matter how sad the story or how desperate the plea, I hold fast to the rules and objectives set
forth in my syllabus. If my syllabus says I don’t accept late work without a doctor’s note, there are no exceptions. If classroom participation is required, then not participating will show up in a student’s grade, no matter what I know about their circumstances. Although my students might not realize it, this is very hard for me to do as an empath. I want to give students the benefit of the doubt each and every time. But I’ve come to learn that doing so doesn’t always help them. If anything, it enables them. So while I’ll offer second chances like extra-credit work or a make-up assignment--because I think those things really do exist in life--I never deviate from the initial rules of engagement in my classroom" (2016).
forth in my syllabus. If my syllabus says I don’t accept late work without a doctor’s note, there are no exceptions. If classroom participation is required, then not participating will show up in a student’s grade, no matter what I know about their circumstances. Although my students might not realize it, this is very hard for me to do as an empath. I want to give students the benefit of the doubt each and every time. But I’ve come to learn that doing so doesn’t always help them. If anything, it enables them. So while I’ll offer second chances like extra-credit work or a make-up assignment--because I think those things really do exist in life--I never deviate from the initial rules of engagement in my classroom" (2016).
These professional boundaries actually create a safe, consistent relationship, which fosters learning. Students trust firm but kind teachers because they consistently focus on learning and make that one area of students’ lives a safe space where students can always predict how they will be treated. The purpose of the relationship is unchanging. We will always be there, demanding excellence as we point constantly toward successful mastery of learning goals.
Students’ Dreams
Relationship-building teachers also listen--until they truly understand--students’ dreams. And this is why they never have to cross a professional boundary. They communicate their devotion by listening to students’ dreams and helping students set goals to make those dreams come true. Nothing communicates love like, “I know your future and will help you get there.” You see, the panicked rush toward proficiency can ruin true learning for the real dreamers of the world, and to ensure that we don’t crush dreams, we need to talk to our students about their hopes and dreams: “When we ask questions, and when we're genuinely curious about what students say, we are communicating an authentic desire to get to know who they are beyond their test scores and beyond what other teachers may share. The questioning and the quiet listening communicate our care for our students” (Aguilar, 2016). We need to ask students what their focus and intent on a future has to do with their DREAM. Some of their dreams change fast, but some are more lasting. These conversations can help us differentiate activities for students in a unit, but more importantly, they can give us good information to differentiate small activities on a daily basis when students have low engagement and we need to modify a quick write or a reflection and help a student increase engagement by making a personal connection to the essential question. If we don’t know our students’ hopes and dreams, how can we help them make those deep connections?
Making Goals about Students’ Passions
Differentiation truly becomes a joy for teachers who have strong relationships with their students. When we understand their dreams, we can tweak unit goals and objectives to fit their career goals. But when we know their hobbies, we can even help them develop dynamic, 21st century products, which increase the learning of the entire class. For example, I recently had a new student enter my class at the beginning of a unit on injustice. I interviewed her when she entered my class to help her set some goals for the new unit. It turned out she had a Youtube channel where she did comedy shows each week with a friend and had a fairly large following. She also wrote a weekly serial novel on another website for an entirely different set of fans and had left an honors class so she didn’t have to give up her hobbies--Honors English was negatively impacting her outside professional writing. She felt guilty: “I feel like I’m letting everyone down because I was getting a C and couldn’t handle all of it together.” If anything, our institution had let her down. We had chased the one student, who wanted to be a professional writer, out of our honors program? Talk about letting someone down. We could have creatively altered our assessment plan for this student and let her document her mastery through the publication of both her Youtube program and her original fiction, which she was already doing, if we had merely asked. Instead, we made her feel like a failure for having passion. This nine weeks, in general education, she is writing a documentary about hidden bullying (done behind teachers’ backs) for her Youtube channel and for the staff at her school, even though it’s serious. She’s also writing a character arc about bullying into her fiction. Some minor adjustments to the unit goals and a few guiding conversations invited this student--and her hobbies--back to public education.
For Administrators
Administrators, who also need to interact meaningfully with their staff and students, really have an impossible task to create meaningful relationships with everyone in their buildings (between teachers and kids) . . . unless they get creative. Principals can choose a slightly different spot in the school entrance each day of the week and make every second of the morning a chance for a positive interaction. That slightly different spot will mean almost 100 different people each day of the week rushing by on the way to class will see our smiles. Our weekly smile is a better relationship than no relationship at all. If that weekly smile is scaffolded with a polite hello during lunch at targeted tables on different days of the week, then we have added a short conversation, too. These brief encounters work with the staff, as well. A little smile, a quick hello. These moments from a busy administrator can buy loyalty from harried teachers. Then administrators can follow up with truly meaningful listening at the few meetings we have with each teacher, each year. Eric Glover (2007) targeted listening and dialogue leadership as his professional goals when he became a principal: “I learned to respect teachers' views as legitimate so that I could listen to the sense in what they were saying and recognize their words as expressions of their understanding of the truth. I learned to set my opinions and assumptions aside so that they would not interfere with my truly hearing what teachers were saying. Finally, I learned to present my opinions to teachers as an expression of my personal, subjective truth rather than objective fact.” If principals work in a few questions about dreams and how those might strengthen the school? Then those weekly smiles become secret code for: “I know your passions, and I care.” We can build meaningful relationships with our teachers using the same tools of professional relationship-building that we use every day with students, and when we do, we’ll establish a climate of passionate productivity in our buildings.
Other Affective Filter Pages:
Lowering the Affective Filter
Classroom Management for Growth
Feedback for a Growth Environment
Creating a Classroom Environment
More Resources:
A Video on Sharing Passion
A Variety of Sources on Positive and Professional Communication with Students
Learner-Centered-Instruction
References
Aguilar, E. (2016, August 9). When We Listen to Students (Edutopia). Retrieved January 18, 2017, from https://www.edutopia.org/blog/when-we-listen-students-elena-aguilar
Dean, C. B., Hubbell, E. R., Pitler, H., & Stone, B. J. (2012). Classroom Instruction that Works: Research-Based Strategies for Increasing Student Achievement, 2nd Edition. Alexandria, VA: ASCD.
Glover, E. (2007, September). Real Principals Listen (Educational Leadership). Retrieved January 18, 2017, from http://www.ascd.org/publications/educational-leadership/sept07/vol65/num01/Real-Principals-Listen.aspx
Goodwin, B., & Hubbell, E. R. (2013). The 12 Touchstones of Good Teaching: A Checklist for Staying Focused Every Day. Alexandria, VA: ASCD.
Lewis-Giggetts, T. M. (2016, January 7). Setting Boundaries as an Empathetic Teacher (Chronicle Vitae). Retrieved January 18,2017, from https://chroniclevitae.com/news/1241-setting-boundaries-as-an-empathic-teacher
Students’ Dreams
Relationship-building teachers also listen--until they truly understand--students’ dreams. And this is why they never have to cross a professional boundary. They communicate their devotion by listening to students’ dreams and helping students set goals to make those dreams come true. Nothing communicates love like, “I know your future and will help you get there.” You see, the panicked rush toward proficiency can ruin true learning for the real dreamers of the world, and to ensure that we don’t crush dreams, we need to talk to our students about their hopes and dreams: “When we ask questions, and when we're genuinely curious about what students say, we are communicating an authentic desire to get to know who they are beyond their test scores and beyond what other teachers may share. The questioning and the quiet listening communicate our care for our students” (Aguilar, 2016). We need to ask students what their focus and intent on a future has to do with their DREAM. Some of their dreams change fast, but some are more lasting. These conversations can help us differentiate activities for students in a unit, but more importantly, they can give us good information to differentiate small activities on a daily basis when students have low engagement and we need to modify a quick write or a reflection and help a student increase engagement by making a personal connection to the essential question. If we don’t know our students’ hopes and dreams, how can we help them make those deep connections?
Making Goals about Students’ Passions
Differentiation truly becomes a joy for teachers who have strong relationships with their students. When we understand their dreams, we can tweak unit goals and objectives to fit their career goals. But when we know their hobbies, we can even help them develop dynamic, 21st century products, which increase the learning of the entire class. For example, I recently had a new student enter my class at the beginning of a unit on injustice. I interviewed her when she entered my class to help her set some goals for the new unit. It turned out she had a Youtube channel where she did comedy shows each week with a friend and had a fairly large following. She also wrote a weekly serial novel on another website for an entirely different set of fans and had left an honors class so she didn’t have to give up her hobbies--Honors English was negatively impacting her outside professional writing. She felt guilty: “I feel like I’m letting everyone down because I was getting a C and couldn’t handle all of it together.” If anything, our institution had let her down. We had chased the one student, who wanted to be a professional writer, out of our honors program? Talk about letting someone down. We could have creatively altered our assessment plan for this student and let her document her mastery through the publication of both her Youtube program and her original fiction, which she was already doing, if we had merely asked. Instead, we made her feel like a failure for having passion. This nine weeks, in general education, she is writing a documentary about hidden bullying (done behind teachers’ backs) for her Youtube channel and for the staff at her school, even though it’s serious. She’s also writing a character arc about bullying into her fiction. Some minor adjustments to the unit goals and a few guiding conversations invited this student--and her hobbies--back to public education.
For Administrators
Administrators, who also need to interact meaningfully with their staff and students, really have an impossible task to create meaningful relationships with everyone in their buildings (between teachers and kids) . . . unless they get creative. Principals can choose a slightly different spot in the school entrance each day of the week and make every second of the morning a chance for a positive interaction. That slightly different spot will mean almost 100 different people each day of the week rushing by on the way to class will see our smiles. Our weekly smile is a better relationship than no relationship at all. If that weekly smile is scaffolded with a polite hello during lunch at targeted tables on different days of the week, then we have added a short conversation, too. These brief encounters work with the staff, as well. A little smile, a quick hello. These moments from a busy administrator can buy loyalty from harried teachers. Then administrators can follow up with truly meaningful listening at the few meetings we have with each teacher, each year. Eric Glover (2007) targeted listening and dialogue leadership as his professional goals when he became a principal: “I learned to respect teachers' views as legitimate so that I could listen to the sense in what they were saying and recognize their words as expressions of their understanding of the truth. I learned to set my opinions and assumptions aside so that they would not interfere with my truly hearing what teachers were saying. Finally, I learned to present my opinions to teachers as an expression of my personal, subjective truth rather than objective fact.” If principals work in a few questions about dreams and how those might strengthen the school? Then those weekly smiles become secret code for: “I know your passions, and I care.” We can build meaningful relationships with our teachers using the same tools of professional relationship-building that we use every day with students, and when we do, we’ll establish a climate of passionate productivity in our buildings.
Other Affective Filter Pages:
Lowering the Affective Filter
Classroom Management for Growth
Feedback for a Growth Environment
Creating a Classroom Environment
More Resources:
A Video on Sharing Passion
A Variety of Sources on Positive and Professional Communication with Students
Learner-Centered-Instruction
References
Aguilar, E. (2016, August 9). When We Listen to Students (Edutopia). Retrieved January 18, 2017, from https://www.edutopia.org/blog/when-we-listen-students-elena-aguilar
Dean, C. B., Hubbell, E. R., Pitler, H., & Stone, B. J. (2012). Classroom Instruction that Works: Research-Based Strategies for Increasing Student Achievement, 2nd Edition. Alexandria, VA: ASCD.
Glover, E. (2007, September). Real Principals Listen (Educational Leadership). Retrieved January 18, 2017, from http://www.ascd.org/publications/educational-leadership/sept07/vol65/num01/Real-Principals-Listen.aspx
Goodwin, B., & Hubbell, E. R. (2013). The 12 Touchstones of Good Teaching: A Checklist for Staying Focused Every Day. Alexandria, VA: ASCD.
Lewis-Giggetts, T. M. (2016, January 7). Setting Boundaries as an Empathetic Teacher (Chronicle Vitae). Retrieved January 18,2017, from https://chroniclevitae.com/news/1241-setting-boundaries-as-an-empathic-teacher